She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
