So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
