hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
