someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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