textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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