I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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