I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
