And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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