i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
