I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
