so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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