My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
