that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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