I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
