there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
