2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
