Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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