thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
