this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we made out on top of his cat.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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