party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
