just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
