i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
