Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
