So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Boobs are out for the taking
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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