Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
