She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
