the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
