im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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