Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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