Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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