I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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