1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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