this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
