turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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