Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Can i not drive my cunt home
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Never joke about your clitoris.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
