in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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