i need an iv and a liver transplant
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
