I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
