carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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