ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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