His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
