He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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