are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
