piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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