I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
