im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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