he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize