youre lurking in front of me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
