when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
