i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
