Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
