i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
