I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
