I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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