Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
