sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Are my feet made of real feet?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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