Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
