genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize