I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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