I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
