my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
