When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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