I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
