I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
