you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize