what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
